Viz Top Tips

[elvis the pig]

Former 10cc member Lol Creme. When text messaging bad news, it is probably best not to add your name at the end as this may cause offence.

 

[LOG]

Create your own free personalised telephone directory by taking the latest phone book and crossing out the names of all the people that you don't know.

 

[Rog H K]

DRUNKEN ladies. When applying your 'Always' sanitary pad with wings, always make sure you position the pad with the sticky side down

 

[Mr Jan Yeo]

FOOL PEOPLE into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several litres of ink and farting everytime someone startles you.

 

[Rog H K]

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

[Dr Hook]

THRIFTY shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You'll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.

 

[aldous huxley's nostril]

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

[elvis the pig]

DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her "the ink's still wet!" Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.

 

[elvis the pig]

ORDINARY people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.

 

[LOG]

Make people believe you are magic by vigourously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke.