Some Tommy Cooper type jokes

[Banksy]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on

it.

I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It

was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,

'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it

is.'

----------------------------

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said

'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The

bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

--------------------------

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

------------------------

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He

said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it

down.

----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered

just went on and on.

---------------------------

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary

work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

--------------------------

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I

said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,

this is for the custard.'

----------------------

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

--------------------------

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me

on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything.'

----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip

outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

--------------------------------

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

--------------------------

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull

goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again

to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made

me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came

and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

-------------------------

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on

two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said

'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do

the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make

Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman

Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

--------------------------------

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man

replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your

chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that

they're going to die.'

 

[elvis the pig]

I went to the doctor today and said 'I've got a hereditary disease'. He said 'What sort of disease?' I said 'Diarrhoea'. He said 'that's not a hereditary disease'. I said ' well, it's in me genes'.

Works better when spoken rather than written down....

 

[Stuffy]

I once appeared in pantomime, I played the cat in D*ck Whittington. The audience thought I great, they kept chanting, bring back the cat, bring back the cat.

 

[EdwaltonGrecian]

somebody got the Tim Vine dvd for his birthday then!!

 

[Jason H]

somebody got the Tim Vine dvd for his birthday then!!

Exactly - the amount of times the great Vine is mistaken for others is ridiculous.

Was reading a mag the other day where a load of his jokes were attributed to Peter Kay. Scandalous!

 

[EdwaltonGrecian]

all of tim's material,as corny sometimes as it is,is all written by himself.he's a decent bloke aswell.