25. Club shops
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like
Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section
for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells
Chelsea Christmas crackers – £10.43 for a pack of six – and Manchester
United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing
your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can.
For £9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to
make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when
someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why they’re
taking one game at a time, why they didn’t see their captain punch one
of his team-mates, why they haven’t thrown in the towel yet and why
everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him
£173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You
Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every
single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they
failed to comply with the Football League’s insolvency rules or
because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the
bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on
minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the
worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We haven’t forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup
coverage isn’t much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an “Everyone’s entitled to my opinion” kind of world and
when it comes to football, everyone’s got one. Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an
idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. How can Kaka be worth £100
million? Yeh, but you’d pay £45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps
can’t play together. But they’re the best we’ve got. Can’t we all just
shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become football’s Harlem
Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in
Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime they’ve put on a show in
Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times),
Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin,
Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards
My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my
team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat
until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you can’t
walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses,
barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyone’s kids,
the name of everyone’s kids in Hebrew, the name of everyone’s wife,
the name of everyone’s wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and
Steve Sidwell’s marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get
friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
“We’re down to the bare bones” and it’s not surprising considering
that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming
vase. Half of them can’t run without pulling a hamstring and the other
half can’t tackle with breaking a metatarsal. What’s a hamstring
anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon.
Now it’s played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music
Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good.
Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal.
Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last
time a postman scored at Wembley? There’s nothing romantic about a
competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns £100,000 a
week lifting a trophy that he doesn’t really give a monkey’s about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf
and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and
a subscrïption to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car
dealers, property developers and local boys made good – all is
forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there
and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a
bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good
idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and
replace it with an £800 million concrete box and a pointless arch.
Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenal’s new ground, the new
Wembley’s not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
“The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off
your chest, Gary?”
“Well, Alan. I think Rafa’s got to go. How can you leave Torres on the
bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, he’s got to be
the worst ref I’ve ever seen.”
“Were you at the game, Gary?”
“No.”
5. Rotation
You pay £50 for a ticket, you spend £10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog
and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-one’s ever
heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you
care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of
Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road
or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Mary’s? Filbert Street or The
Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
What’s changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League
in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best
team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700
million.
2. The Premier League
What’s changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football
League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you
were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe
someone £500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.
Empires of tat and greed that make your local Poundstretcher look like
Harrods. The club shop at the Emirates Stadium has a special section
for Arsenal presents for your dog. The Stamford Bridge megastore sells
Chelsea Christmas crackers – £10.43 for a pack of six – and Manchester
United have ventured into the toiletries market. Ever fancied washing
your hair with Manchester United shampoo and conditioner? Now you can.
For £9.99.
24. Media training
All Premier League players and managers are given media training to
make sure that they never say anything remotely interesting when
someone puts a microphone in front of them. Now you know why they’re
taking one game at a time, why they didn’t see their captain punch one
of his team-mates, why they haven’t thrown in the towel yet and why
everything is going to be terrific.
23. Kaka
If he’s not interested in money why do AC Milan have to pay him
£173,000 a week?
22. Let Me Entertain You
Atrocious Robbie Williams song that has ruined the build-up to every
single football game in the world since it was released in 1998.
21. Points deductions
This is England, not Italy. Deducting points from teams because they
failed to comply with the Football League’s insolvency rules or
because they paid agents through a holding company has turned the
bottom of League Two into a joke. Luton Town started the season on
minus 30 points. The team at the bottom of the table should be the
worst side in the league, not the club with the idiot accountant.
20. Official club websites
Good for getting directions to the ground, but not much else.
19. ITV
We haven’t forgotten about the ITV Digital disaster and your FA Cup
coverage isn’t much to shout about either.
18. Opinions
We live in an “Everyone’s entitled to my opinion” kind of world and
when it comes to football, everyone’s got one. Rafa’s God. Rafa’s an
idiot. Becks is past it. No, he’s not. How can Kaka be worth £100
million? Yeh, but you’d pay £45 to see him play. Stevie G and Lamps
can’t play together. But they’re the best we’ve got. Can’t we all just
shut up and watch the game?
17. Brazil
The greatest team in the world have become football’s Harlem
Globetrotters. Ronaldinho and Co have played only one friendly in
Brazil in the past 2 ½ years. In the meantime they’ve put on a show in
Oslo, Kuwait, Stockholm, London (four, about to be five, times),
Basel, Gothenburg, Dortmund, Montpellier, Chicago, Boston, Dublin,
Seattle and Boston. Ker-ching.
16. Internet message boards
My team’s better than yours. No, my team’s better than yours. No, my
team’s better than yours. No. my team’s better than yours. Repeat
until the world ends.
15. Tattoos
When we were kids only sailors and binmen had tattoos. Now, you can’t
walk into a dressing-room without being blinded by Celtic crosses,
barbed wire, angels, Chinese proverbs, the name of everyone’s kids,
the name of everyone’s kids in Hebrew, the name of everyone’s wife,
the name of everyone’s wife in Latin, a couple of Welsh dragons and
Steve Sidwell’s marriage vows.
14. Superagents
How does an agent become a superagent? Make a few phone calls, get
friendly with Roman Abramovich and buy a flat in Knightsbridge.
13. Injuries
“We’re down to the bare bones” and it’s not surprising considering
that modern-day footballers are about as tough and durable as a Ming
vase. Half of them can’t run without pulling a hamstring and the other
half can’t tackle with breaking a metatarsal. What’s a hamstring
anyway? And how come Bobby Moore never pulled one?
12. Manchester City
The new Chelsea.
11. Kick-off times
Football used to be played at three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon.
Now it’s played when it suits Sky and Setanta.
10. Goal celebration music
Listen. Very. Carefully. We. Don’t. Want. To. Hear. I. Feel. Good.
Chelsea. Dagger. Or. Song. Two. Every. Time. Someone. Scores. A. Goal.
Got. That?
9. The FA Cup
When was the last time a milkman lifted the FA Cup? When was the last
time a postman scored at Wembley? There’s nothing romantic about a
competition which ends every year with a bloke who earns £100,000 a
week lifting a trophy that he doesn’t really give a monkey’s about.
8. Takeovers
In the old days all you needed to support your local club was a scarf
and rattle, but these days you need a degree in economics, an MBA and
a subscrïption to the Financial Times. Come back all you butchers, car
dealers, property developers and local boys made good – all is
forgiven.
7. Wembley Stadium
The old Wembley Stadium had it all. Players dreamed of playing there
and supporters dreamed of going there - even if the toilets smelled a
bit funny. Then some bright spark at the FA thought it would be a good
idea to knock down the most famous football stadium in the world and
replace it with an £800 million concrete box and a pointless arch.
Best stadium in the world? Thanks to Arsenal’s new ground, the new
Wembley’s not even the best stadium in North London.
6. Radio phone-in shows
“The next caller is Gary from Guildford. What do you want to get off
your chest, Gary?”
“Well, Alan. I think Rafa’s got to go. How can you leave Torres on the
bench when you need three points? And as for that ref, he’s got to be
the worst ref I’ve ever seen.”
“Were you at the game, Gary?”
“No.”
5. Rotation
You pay £50 for a ticket, you spend £10 on a pint of beer and a hotdog
and you get to watch a kickabout between a bunch of kids no-one’s ever
heard of. Thanks Arsene. Thanks Rafa. Thanks Alex. Nice to know you
care.
4. New stadium
Where would you rather watch a game? Maine Road or the City of
Manchester Stadium? The Baseball Ground or Pride Park? Highfield Road
or The Ricoh Arena? The Dell or St Mary’s? Filbert Street or The
Walkers Stadium? Nice prawn sandwiches, though.
3. The Champions League
What’s changed since the European Cup turned into the Champions League
in 1992? Everything. If you won the European Cup, you were the best
team in Europe. If you win the Champions League, you owe someone £700
million.
2. The Premier League
What’s changed since the Premier League broke away from the Football
League in 1992? Everything. If you won the First Division title, you
were the best team in England. If you win the Premier League, you owe
someone £500 million.
1. Television
The monster that ate football.